Here is the first draft. It is not as dynamic as I wanted... but I am still working on it. Oh , brace yourself, it is almost 3,000 words. Let me know what you think - maybe it is horrible.
Did you ever meet an incredible man? You know the one, the man who makes your heart skip. The man who makes you dream about ‘forever’? The man you KNOW you will at least think about forever, but despite all of this – you let him slip away?
I did… and this is my story.
When I was eighteen, I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I hit college with big dreams and aspirations. I knew I would be successful. Television News was my target. I didn’t want to be on television. I wanted to be the ‘brains’ of TV news. I would be a television news producer. It would mean a fast-paced life, which my mom wanted me to avoid. But I wanted it so badly I could taste it.
Like most campus freshmen, I needed to do work-study to help pay the bills, especially those long distance phone bills to my high school sweetheart. I worked hard all week with both school and work. The weekends, I spent with my boyfriend.
We had a ‘young’ relationship. It had little trust and a lot of insecurity.
In February of that year, my life changed. I met THAT man. Greg was a second year Grad student at my college and my boss at the library, where I did work-study. He was smart, caring, sweet and gorgeous. Other girls on campus talked about him. Wondered who he was, and how to get him to notice.
I had a boyfriend. I wasn’t supposed to notice, but I did. Greg must have noticed me too. He started sparking conversations and asking me to do work that required me to be near him. We talked a lot. Laughed a lot. Greg was the man who made me rethink my life plans.
One ordinary cold afternoon, in Boston, I went to work. Greg was in the back room. I checked in on him. He seemed sad, so naturally, I asked him what was wrong.
"I can’t tell you." He said
"But why? Aren’t we friends?" I asked.
"Yes, but this is too big. Too much." He said
I was really worried. What could he not tell me? I asked again.
"Greg, seriously, I am worried. What is it?"
"Sit down, Jen"
I sat down across from him, my eyes locked on his.
"Jen, I realized I am in love with someone. I mean really, really in love. I made her a mix tape last night. I meant it just as friends, but then I realized, I love her."
Totally oblivious, I said, "Well, you have to tell her. She deserves to know."
"But we cannot be together. She loves someone else."
"Well, seems like you should let her decide."
Greg looked at me with tears in his eyes and handed me a tape.
I literally gasped. I honestly had no idea. With tears brimming, I said, "You are right, you shouldn’t have told her."
And I ran off.
The thing is, this event changed me. I started really looking at my current relationship and I realized how badly I was being treated. I questioned all our plans together, all our history. I thought about Greg all the time.
I finally told Greg how I felt. He asked me to give him a chance. We took a walk, in the snowy city. And like a dream, we kissed. It was truly magical. In fact, it sparked me to break up with my high school sweetheart, Michael.
Michael asked me to give him another chance. I never told him about Greg. But I reluctantly agreed to a "week off" of our relationship. Then I would reevaluate.
That week was winter break. Greg called me and asked me out to dinner.
We went to a tiny Italian restaurant in the North End. It was so adult and so romantic. We talked, shared dreams and celebrated our chance.
On our way out of the restaurant, Greg asked me to come to his house.
I was scared and excited. We could not keep our hands off each other. It was true, honest and loving. It was right.
But when I got home, I was full of doubt and guilt. All I had known and planned was different now. I was confused. Was this real? Did Greg love me?
The next morning, Michael called.
"Where were you last night?"
"Out with friends." I answered.
He was so possessive and I knew he didn’t believe me.
"I am coming to see you, please Jen, Give me another chance." Michael said crying.
I caved. "You can come on Saturday."
It was Thursday. I still had some time.
But I avoided Greg. When he finally tracked me down, he said,
"Jen, I don’t understand. I love you. What is going on?"
I had no strength, no courage.
"It’s over."
"What? You don’t mean that. Let me see you."
"I can’t, Greg. I am sorry. I am so sorry. This is really not going to happen."
"You can’t do this, Jen, Please."
"Sorry Greg. I really am so so sorry."
I hung up. I successfully avoided Greg for months. I switched my job. I went back to Michael.
It was nearing May and I saw Greg on campus. He stopped me and asked me to take a walk. Greg told me he was leaving Boston and heading to Los Angeles. Our college had a campus there too.
"Come with me. Let’s give us a real chance. You can do an internship at one of the big television stations there."
"I can’t Greg."
"I will buy the plane ticket. I know we could have a great life."
"Sorry. But good luck."
I walked away and cried. I loved him, but I lacked the strength and courage it took to change my life. I had to let him walk away from me.
Over the next three years, I continued to date Michael. I buckled down at school and did several internships. I was determined to be a TV news producer.
Each of those three years, I received one phone call from Greg. Each time, he had the same offer: A plane ticket to Los Angeles and a chance to give our relationship a chance.
The summer before my senior year, Michael proposed to me. That year, I planned a wedding, sent out tapes and resumes all over the country, and thought of Greg.
I’d convinced myself he was not the ‘one.’ He never was, I made myself believe.
I called Greg once more to clear my conscience and my heart.
"Hi, Greg, It’s Jen."
"Hey"
"I am calling to say hi and to tell you I am getting married."
"Well, Great. Good Luck."
"I am so sorry about everything. I just wanted to say goodbye."
"Okay, Good luck, Jen, Really. You know, you have to tell him about us someday."
I was pissed. "What? No I won’t. I don’t. It is nothing to tell him."
"Well, it is your life. Just seems like something you should tell the love of your life."
I hung up. Who was he to tell me what to do? I was making the right decision. My life was completely on track, going as planned.
I finished college and got married. The week of our wedding, I was offered a job as a news producer in Rockford, Illinois. Small Market, but a big job. I told myself, if Michael would follow me as I followed my dreams, he was the right man for me. I’d convinced myself he was supportive.
I took the job and we moved a week after our wedding.
It was rocky at first. Michael struggled to find a job in his dream career because he followed me for mine. He continued to be possessive and untrusting.
After two years in the Midwest we moved back to New England. Luckily, I landed a solid job as a Six PM News Producer in Providence, Rhode Island.
A year later, I was promoted to Executive News Producer, overseeing all of the evening newscasts. I was also nominated for my first EMMY. All my hard work was paying off. I was at the top of my game. At the same time, my husband was becoming distant.
One night, he asked for a weekend ‘off.’ A weekend to rethink his life and our marriage. I was devastated. I took the weekend to visit a girlfriend in the city. I was miserable. I decided to leave her house early on Sunday morning, in search of answers. Since I could not find him at home, or at his parent’s house, I went to his closest friend.
That friend, seeming very uncomfortable, said he had not seen Michael. As I turned to leave, I noticed my husband’s car in the parking lot of the apartment complex.
"What is his car doing here then?" I asked.
"Jen, I don’t know. I’m sorry." He answered.
But something in his eyes told me otherwise.
I used the key I carried to open the car door. I reached into a duffle bag on the floor and pulled out a mix music tape. For the second time, a mix tape would change my life. The tape was full of love songs, on the inside cover was a hand-written note, "I love you Michael. –G"
I was sick immediately. What had led me here? I wondered.
I waited for Michael for hours. He finally walked up to me, very calmly.
I asked, "Are you having an affair?"
"Yes, I am"
I decided to make a move. I filed for divorce. I was in a deep depression. I lost a lot of weight and all of my dreams for a happy family.
A dear friend, Lori, tried to cheer me up.
"Jen, this weekend, I want you to come with me to our country club. We can eat at the restaurant and lay by the pool all day."
"Sure, I have nothing else to do."
While lounging in the warm summer sun, Lori asked me a question that forever altered my path.
"Jen, did you ever love anyone besides your high school sweetheart?"
Over the next couple hours, I told Lori all about Greg and our one date. Lori sat up suddenly when my story was over.
"You have to find him!"
"What?! No, he was too great and seven years older than me. He is certainly married by now." I said.
"Please, just try. Find him. Talk to him. I just have a feeling." Lori begged.
The next day at work, I did a search on the internet. Nothing. Then I remembered a good friend of mine worked at Alumni Relations at my alma mater.
I called.
"Scott, I am trying to find an old friend." I said when he came to the phone.
"Really, why?" He answered.
"Um, Can you just help me?"
"Okay, Jen, Let’s see… Who is it?"
Scott found Greg’s information and told me his file was updated just a couple weeks prior. Scott explained he was not supposed to give out any personal information, but since he knew me personally, he would give me Greg’s work number.
The next morning after staring at the number for hours, I called.
It rang twice and Greg answered.
"Hello?"
Oh it was him all right. I knew it. I couldn’t do it after all. I still lacked the courage. I hung up.
A couple minutes later I gained my composure and called again..
"Hello?" Greg answered, annoyed now.
"Um, Greg?"
"Yes…"
"I know this is really weird, but do you have any idea who this is?" I asked.
"Jenniferlyn, I would never forget your voice."
My heart sank.
"So, Jen, you got my message then?" Greg asked.
"What – what message?"
"Oh, are you calling because you are having children? Wanted to share the news?" Greg continued.
"Not exactly. What do you mean you left me a message?" I pressed.
"Listen, can I call you later? Maybe at home when we are both more free to talk?" He asked.
"Sure. Here is my number… By the way, Am I calling Los Angeles? Are you still there?"
"Nope, San Francisco. I will call you later, okay?"
Greg did, indeed call. What I found out was, a couple weeks prior, he had done some soul searching too. He decided, if he ever had a chance with me again, he would drop everything and give it a shot. It had been eight years since we last saw each other. Greg looked for me online, couldn’t find any information, so he updated his alumni file. Then he asked to have a note placed in that file, that if I ever tried to contact him, I could have all his personal information. The folks at alumni relations would tell Greg nothing about me.
Wow.
I told Greg my whole marriage story. He asked me if I thought I should give my ex another chance.
"You two have so much history. Don’t you think he deserves another chance?"
"No, and I am surprised you of all people would say that!"
"Just trying to play devil’s advocate, Jen."
We spoke via email and phone several times a day after that call. Within a week, I decided to take a trip. I’d never been to California. Why not see what Greg is like now?
Greg happily offered to entertain me during my stay.
"I’ll show you all around. We can talk, like old times"
"Sounds good to me. I am coming next month then!"
To say that I was nervous on the plane ride to California would be an understatement. I thought long and hard about what to wear, what to talk about, and what we would do during my visit.
When I stepped off the plane, I saw him right away. He was the same, just older; wiser. I was shaking so much when Greg hugged me, he asked if I was okay.
"This is so weird." I said
"Weird good, though." He answered with a smile.
Greg and I stayed up all night talking about old times, our lives now and our dreams for the future. The next day was a bright, crisp, October day in San Francisco. Greg had rented a convertible and off we drove to Napa. It was surreal. He we were in the midst of wine groves, beautiful blue sky, amazing food and possibly the love of each of our lives. Were we being given a second chance at our love, our life, this time eight years after the fact?
Greg had planned the three days perfectly. After Napa, we spent the following day in San Francisco, soaking up all city could offer. The last full day together, we drove down the Pacific Coast Highway to Big Sur. Honestly, could this be any more like a movie? I was constantly asking myself if this was the real deal. Throughout our journeys we had so much to talk about, to share. The physical attraction was obvious. But could I take the chance on us this time?
The early afternoon Greg needed to take me to the airport, we stopped at an outdoor bar called, "Sam’s" in Tiburon. It is a magical place on the ocean with boats pulled right up to the deck in front of us.
As we sat enjoying Margarita’s, Greg looked at me with tears in his eyes.
"I cannot let you go again. I can’t. I have been waiting for you my whole life and I just realized it this weekend."
"Don’t worry, Greg. I am not walking away this time."
But I did have to fly back across the country to straighten my life out. When I returned home, there were several messages waiting for me from my soon to be ex. Then, the day after, Michael showed up at my house.
"Please give me another chance Jen, we can make it. I will do anything."
So here I was again at the same crossroads, with the same two men. I had already given one two many chances, and one none at all. I would not make the same mistake twice.
I left Michael crying outside my house. I would begin a new life. I would have the courage this time.
I continued to talk to Greg on the phone everyday and we were able to see each other once a month. We took romantic trips to Nantucket and fell in love all over again. I started applying to jobs in California. By New Year’s, I was offered a job as Executive Producer at the ABC station in San Jose. It was all lining up. So, I packed my bags and moved to California. I had to give this relationship the chance it deserved.
One year after my divorce was final, I came home from work. Greg had packed some luggage and said we were going away for the weekend. At the airport, I found out we were heading to Hawaii. At sunset, the first full day on island, Greg pulled over to a beautiful beach. As I kneeled down to take pictures, Greg kneeled beside me.
"Jenniferlyn, I brought you to an island to ask you to marry me on an island. Will you marry me? On Nantucket?"
This was my gift. I got two shots at the same wonderful man. A man I was foolish enough to let go once. I would never do that again.
